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As the journey continues my drive to write increased and I addressed so much of what I had buried over the years. As I evolved more secrets were revealed and some never made it to the page. Again, I must stress that some stories are not ‘mine’ but brought through me, from or on behalf of others, but is written in the first person, just as it was received.

This is an archive of my writings, some of which fill the pages of my first book ‘Intuitive Reflections: A Literary Journey’ due to be released in late 2016. The complete poetry collection will be released in a series of chapbooks. The other two books I am working on are Spiritual Awakening: A Literary Journey and Aspergerians: A Literary Journey both stories of my life and adventures.

The works here are a mix of all of them and thus A Literary Journey, as this is my story told in poetry, prose, short stories, automatic writing, visions and regressions. It is about awakening to the gifts I had suppressed.

I had been denying my intuition, visions and guidance, due to conditioning and the expectations of others. The peace that eluded me, was always inside, repressed within the many dimensions of my internal life.

It is about finding my voice, that had been drowned out by a world so loud with chaos and confusion.It is a story of coming back together from being shattered. It is my story, as well as many others who have joined me along the way. Some pieces were written for me, some for others, and some on behalf of another; be it alive or in Spirit.

Some of it deals with taboo subjects that some may not like to see, but without speaking of the things we don’t like, we can never hope to create change. Nor can we foster an understanding of those who have gone through these things and not only survived but fully created a space for healing within their hearts.

It is my hope, that by sharing my journey, others may grow to find whatever it is they are needing to heal and move forward. It may be as simple as validation of your feelings, or knowing someone has been through the same, or it may be a profound awakening to the limitations that you have been accepting for years.

For myself, it was about finding myself again. I found understanding, forgiveness, love and compassion toward others, but mostly toward myself. Trying to understand the dynamics of human behaviour and emotions was my drive, and as you will see, it was also the source of my pain and torment.

My life was a constant running away from something I did not understand. It took me years to see it was myself I was running from. I was suppressing who I was, to try and fit in; to be what was expected of me, or what was ‘socially acceptable.’

Trying to be ‘normal’ was the most difficult aspect of living; and although I could pull it off for short periods at a time, the inner turmoil never stopped. Rarely did my overloads give me a warning, or wait  until I was alone, or in a safe space to erupt.

I am sure people knew something was wrong but had no idea what was going on inside of me or behind closed doors and a feigned smile. Many of them may be shocked by what they read here and some may finally understand why I was ‘quirky’ and emotional.

I tried to be anything other than who I was for many years, and now that I am being true to myself again I am finally at peace. I am with my true love, the one who fully accepts me as I am while gently reflecting back to me when I am not being true to myself.

I also have recalled pieces and parts of my own childhood which were missing from my memory. Much was through watching my own children grow, it triggered the moments. I had no recollection of most of my childhood until I began writing and exploring my mind’s hidden secrets. I imagine much of it was repressed, but by denying my bad memories, I was denying myself all of the good ones as well.

Though my life was and is challenging, it has and continues to make me strong. I have an appreciation for life and an awareness many don’t have due to my experiences. It also gave me an expanded view of life and of human behaviours.

I have found that over the years, my words, by the grace of our Creator, the Angels and Spirit have helped countless people, and I intend on allowing this work to come through me as long as I can.

I know my writing is a gift, as the words and visions flow through me often faster than I can write. At times, several pieces at once flow through, and they are often in a different handwriting to my own, or even to each other.

Writing is one of the ways I communicate with the world around me, and I allow the words and emotions to flow through me not only for my own healing but others as well. I communicate better through writing than in person, as my mind moves too fast for most people to follow – even at times, for my words to come out in order when I speak.

I hope you can find that space within you which will allow the healing that the words here can provide. Even if you have not been through or experienced these things yourself, you may have a loved one who has. Perhaps this may show you how they are feeling, or give you a greater insight which could bring understanding, compassion and even forgiveness.

In 1992, devastated by my second divorce at only twenty-two years old, the wall protecting me from the whole picture of my life started to crumble and I was overcome with an unbearable sadness which became for me, mechanical or surreal.

Filled with sorrow and completely overwhelmed with the things happening around me, not only with myself but the pain I felt in others; I sat down and tried to express what I was experiencing. I consider this my reawakening to my writing and my emotions. I had shut down ‘feeling’ due to my sensory issues and empathic abilities and this had made me numb, completely withdrawn and disconnected from my inner spirit and from my Guidance.

Although I had written several things over the years, nothing was kept. So for me, this was my first step at reacquainting myself with the pen and page… and the secrets hidden deep within my soul. The urge to write was truly overwhelming.

As the journey continues my drive to write increased and I addressed so much of what I had buried over the years. As I evolved more secrets were revealed and some never made it to the page. Again, I must stress that some stories are not ‘mine’ but brought through me, from or on behalf of others, but is written in the first person, just as it was received.

My writing expanded from singular focus to speaking for others and on to community, causes, other dimensions, past lives, spirit, global events, insights and spiritual awareness.

Most of what is written here came through in thought packages which took only moments to write; as they were fully formed in my head and I awoke with them being recited. Others were shown to me as visions, which permeated all of my senses.

I could smell smoke, perfumes or body odours, taste blood or saltwater in my mouth, feel the blades or bullets pierce my skin and enter my organs, I felt scars on my body from previous wounds in that lifetime, and I experience the emotions as I saw them happening.

Some were so vivid that not only could I see, smell, taste and empath (sense in my body), but I could hear background noises, birds and the wind and I could feel the breeze, rain or snow, I could get an impression of the villages – the cobblestone, clay or hay, and the ocean -sand, kelp and birds, and sense what the whole environment was like. So much was happening when I had the visions.

This was my life at night when others were sleeping. I would be awake all night only sleeping a few hours and then trying to fit into a normal 9-5 day. I just couldn’t last. My Clairsentient life and my ‘normal life’ were completely incompatible and it took its toll. I ended up with massive panic attacks for three years while I attempted to suppress my abilities and maintain the status quo on minimal sleep and the pressures of recalling my past as well as other lifetimes.

As we go further along the journey, you will see the writing changes as I grow and accept the guidance instead of fighting it. I was still very much influenced by the beliefs I had developed based upon the views of those around me when I was young, and by my upbringing in the Catholic Religion.

I had been told when I was young “You are an evil child.” and “The Devil is trying to work through you!” when I spoke with my deceased relatives or Native American guides. I was convinced that it was a battle I could not win and that I was destined to be miserable as punishment for my sins. I actually believed this, because the people whom I trusted told this to me.

I eventually became fearful of God and by the time I was an adult, deep inside I was afraid of all men. All through childhood, I felt an affinity and connection to Mary Magdalene and by adulthood that had been taken as well – I was programmed to fear the ‘evil nature’ and unpredictability of women, I just felt completely lost and alone.

The reason I have included the dates is to show how the cycles of writing came for me, it was not constant and I never knew when it would come, I just followed my pen really. Most came at night, but some came in the middle of the day, and I would sit in my car or even in the bathroom at work, and write them down, I just had to stop and write wherever I was because it wouldn’t stop repeating in my mind until I did.

I now realise that  it came through so easily in the wee hours around 3:00 – 4:00 a.m., as life was still and silent at that time. I could receive the thoughts clearly without the constant noises of the world drowning them out. I could pace myself and face the emotions which surged without worrying about having to snap back to reality or be mocked for my emotional side. I also found that the sooner I got up and wrote, the sooner I could get back to sleep.

We all learn through experience and self-realization. We also learn through reflections provided to us in others; if we choose to see. Of course, some people will never choose to look at their life, let alone see their own reflection presented to them. That would mean that they must take responsibility for improving their own life, and that is frightening to think about. I feel fortunate to have this opportunity to reflect upon my life and see my own growth.

I tried to live the way others expected me to for years, never looking at myself or my past and it was just chaos. Without looking at myself I never would have realised that I was allowing my life to be dictated to me. Only I was able to set myself free from the bonds that had been created by my life path being written by others. I was letting it happen because I did not know I could change it.

Inside I was miserable and lost and I felt like I was on the wrong planet or acting in a play. I had to be numb to live like everyone else and it was both exhausting and pointless. I needed to feel again, to embrace the gifts I had been born with. I found mentors, friends and others who helped me to find myself again, but first, I had to break free from the labels, illusions and conditions I had been given… and believed.

I hope you enjoy my Literary Journey and it assists you in some way to view your own Journey with more beauty and appreciation for your unique experiences.

Please feel free to leave comments or questions on the posts that resonate with you and follow my blog as I will be adding more regularly.

I am grateful you took the time to visit.

 

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